The excitement, joy and anticipation generated by the impending arrival of a new baby is unparalleled. It’s a feeling like no other. But for those with older children, it’s likely there is also a degree of apprehension about how their little one/s will adjust to the new addition. Will they instantly bond with their new little baby brother or sister? Will they resent the baby? Will they misbehave? The questions are endless and tough to answer ahead of time but it’s valuable to consider how to best approach the change of a new baby.
As we welcome Springtime (which ironically is the biggest birth month in Australia), we have pulled together some tips to help those who are expecting to prepare for the shift in family dynamics, particularly with older children adjusting to a new baby..
During the pregnancy it can be helpful to:
Share the news
It’s entirely up to you when you let your little one in on the big secret of the baby in your belly but it’s usually helpful to allow 3-4 months to prepare them. Obviously, how old they are will help you gauge how far ahead you should start to build the excitement about a new baby brother or sister.
Read books
Reading stories about babies and about new siblings can help your toddler understand their new role and what to expect. Some great books include I’m a Big Brother and I’m a Big Sister by Joanna Cole and There’s a house inside my Mummy by Giles Andreae. These books will help discuss the role they will play as big brothers or sister and offer them some comfort that they aren’t going to be overshadowed by the new baby.
Involve them in the pregnancy
If you can (and feel comfortable), take them along to an ultrasound and show them the baby on the screen. Or it could be as simple as letting them feel the baby kicking and giving your belly a kiss each day.
Ask them to make practical decisions
When decorating the nursery or buying baby items, ask your little one to help you make decisions (i.e. pictures on the wall, colour of new baby blanket, etc). Help them feel a part of this huge journey of change.
Toilet training and/or moving into a new bed
The birth of a new baby often coincides with a toddler commencing toilet training or making a transition into a new bedroom. Try to make these changes well ahead of the baby’s arrival as you’ll have your hands full once the new arrival is here. Toddlers commonly regress because of change so don’t’ feel discouraged if this happens once your baby is earth-side.
Reassure them about the hospital process
For many little ones, the thought of their parents leaving them to go to hospital can feel daunting. Communication is key here. Ensure you talk about what will happen, that they’ll be in safe hands (i.e. with grandparents or family members), that they can visit and that you’ll be home in a few days. It can be helpful to print out a family photo for them to keep with them when you go to give birth. Where possible, try to keep their routine as normal as you can as this will help them feel more secure and comfortable in your absence.
Once the new baby arrives all plans can go a little awry, but the following tips might help you all adjust:
First visit
Inevitably, the birth of your new baby has meant time away from your older children. When the opportunity arises for them to visit the hospital or for you to come home, it’s nice for them to be greeted by a warm, welcome embrace. So, if possible, introduce the baby to them in their bassinet (rather than them walking in to see him/her in your arms) and allow them to have cuddles (supported by you) in their own time.
Gift from the baby
It’s a lovely idea to organise a gift from the baby to their big brother or sister. Whether it’s a toy, a book or a sweet treat it really doesn’t matter, the goal is to simply develop a positive association with the baby from the outset.
Maintain routine
The best way to offer security is to maintain routine where possible. Your older child will already feel like everything they once knew has changed, so try to keep whatever you can (i.e. bedtime, preschool, swimming lessons, etc) as consistent as possible once the new baby arrives.
Quality time
It’s likely you’ll have your hands full feeding, changing nappies and recovering from birth but where possible, try to plan some quality one on one time with your older babies. It could be as simple as building lego together, playing shops, doing some drawing or craft together or going on a little outing. Try to remember that your little one has gone from lots of attention to minimal attention in a very small period, so they’ll be craving time with you.
Involve and praise your older children
Giving older children the chance to help you with their baby brother or sister’s care can allow them to feel involved in the process rather than isolated or excluded. Perhaps they could help prepare for bath time or lend a hand when changing their outfit. Use this opportunity to praise your toddler and express how lucky the baby is to have a big brother or sister like them.
Occupying your toddler during feeding time
Feeding a newborn and occupying a toddler can be a real juggle so it can be helpful to save a special activity or toy box that they only get to access during this time. Alternatively, you could play their favourite music during feeding time or allow them to cuddle up next to you and the new baby with a book.
Finally, try not to be alarmed if your toddler or pre-schooler misbehaves or shows some challenging behaviours during the first few months of a new baby’s life. It’s extremely normal and is usually a way of expressing feelings of confusion or concern around the new family dynamic. They will adjust in time and just like the seasons change, so too will this phase of life. Be kind to yourself and to each other.
